


No more goodbyes, just goodnight.

by Linusblanket



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Not a Story, for jonghyun, thoughts i needed to share
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 07:04:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13208493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linusblanket/pseuds/Linusblanket
Summary: My eternal idol. My beloved artist. Goodnight.





	No more goodbyes, just goodnight.

I hope everyone is doing okay. It was so hard writing this. I saw so many people tweeting and posting about what happened, about their thoughts and feelings but I couldn’t gather the courage to write anything related to Jonghyun for many days. He was always so kind, so soft and well-spoken. How can I describe my love and admiration for him in simple words? All I know for sure is that nothing will ever be the same for me and so many other fans who love K-pop and Shinee. 

I remember the first time a friend of mine introduced me to Shinee, this happened some time after their debut. I remember I didn’t particularly liked them at first. They seemed too innocent, too happy and back then because I was going through a difficult phase I honestly didn’t want to like them. The way they always looked so happy in front of cameras made me feel bad. Looking back my dislike didn’t even make sense. Of course, they would look happy no matter what in front of cameras, but back then I was just so naive and silly and I simple didn’t understand. I remember how Jonghyun and Key were the first ones who caught my interest at how I slowly started understanding and liking each one of them. It was a kind of love that flourished slowly through the next years till it reached a point that I could no longer deny being a fan. I had listened to their songs, I had watched so many TV appearances and interviews, I had laughed and cried with them and I had watched them grow up and in the end without realizing it they had become not only one of my favorite K-pop groups but also a part of my world. Their music was great, their personalities too, they were just so talented. And although I went through phases of liking a member more than another and liking other K-pop groups as well, there was always this special spot reserved for Jonghyun and Key. Kibum is just so blunt and truthful, yet such a sweetheart. And Jonghyun is (was) so funny, so kind and so caring. Maybe too kind and caring for this world.

And now here we are. I listen to my Shinee albums, I listen to your albums Jonghyun. I re-watch videos of interviews and variety show appearances. All of you are (were?) so funny, humble and lovable. I caught myself smiling and laughing at times, only to be reminded that I’m never going to see any new videos of you Jonghyun, you’re never going to sing or write any new songs, I’m never going to listen to you hosting another radio show again, you’re never going to write another book, I’ll never have a chance to see you perform live like I've always dreamed of. But these things are not the ones that hurt the most. I would have been okay not seeing any new video of you, not listening to any new song, not even seeing you performing live. It would have been okay if that meant that you were okay. I would have been okay if you had simple stepped out of being an idol, it would have been okay. But this is not the case isn’t it? For your reasons you decided to leave us forever so early. It must have been such a hard decision. You must have suffered silently for so long. I’m sorry Jonghyun. I’m sorry for everything and anyone in this world that caused you pain and misery. I’m sorry you couldn’t find the help and comfort you needed the most. I’m sorry that your pain was so strong you couldn’t win against it. 

It’s been 12 days since December 18th. I was ready to board on a plane from Paris to Valencia when I read the news on my phone. I didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t want to believe it. Sometimes I still find myself in denial. I remember the first week I couldn’t stop crying. And after I stopped crying I would eat, listen to music or try to study and suddenly thoughts of you popped in my mind and I always ended up crying again. I cried so much and I still cry for this amazing man this world lost. I cry for this man that will never grow older, that will never get married, that will never have children of his own, a man that could have been so much more, a man that had so much more to give. And I was just a fan. I can’t even imagine the pain your family, your friends, your group-mates are going through. I was never someone who prayed much. But I pray for them to heal little by little and to lead a life full of joys and happiness. I pray for your fans, my fellow Shawols, to stay strong and find happiness too. I pray for all of us to remember you through your music and everything you left behind, to remember you for the amazing and talented person you were. I pray for you Jonghyun to have finally found rest and peace. You deserve at least that Jonghyun. Because you did more than well, you did amazing.

2017 is ending. Please spread love everywhere you go. Smile. Stay strong. Be brave. Be kind. Do well. And if you know someone suffering from depression be there to listen, take their feelings seriously, encourage them to get professional help. We need more love and compassion in this world. More smiles. More kindness. 

There are so many more things I could write but what change would they make? Words have always been a way for me to cope when something happened but this time the pain is still so fresh, it’s impossible to find the correct words to express myself. This is not about me anyways. It’s about you Jonghyun. Jonghyun who touched so many people with his kind nature and his love for music. My eternal idol. My beloved artist. Our Jonghyun. Goodnight. Please rest well free of worries and pain. We’ll always remember you. We’ll always love you.


End file.
